Now What? Navigating the Multitude of Transitions in Your 20s
I like to think of the 20s as the wild wild west–so much change, chaos, and formation. Here are some tips for navigating what can be a tumultuous (yet exciting) time in our lives:
Staying Present
Being present is hard in our fast paced culture, but not un-achievable. Think of it as a daily practice, similar to brushing your teeth. Find moments throughout the day to become aware of your surroundings by engaging with your senses. To take it a step further, practice mental compassion by allowing yourself to disengage from future thinking. Challenge yourself to truly focus your mental attention on the here and now versus living for the weekend.
Connecting to Your Values
Your 20s provide a plethora of life experiences that mold and shape your value system. The simple act of clarifying your values can help point your life compass in the right direction. Let's take the value of connection, one might say they highly value connection, but surround themselves with shallow/meaningless relationships. Thus, this person would be in conflict with this value, and likely notices dis-satisfaction within their life. The challenge here is to seek out experiences that bring them closer to that value (yes, easier said than done). An example of moving closer to the value of connection might be taking classes that are of interest to you such as pottery or dance. A wise therapist once shared with me that a nice way to find others we relate to is to start doing things YOU enjoy (or think you might enjoy).
Here is a great list of values from the wonderful Brené Brown to get you started.
View life as a journey, envision the life you want to live and generate steps to get there
Oh the journey of life! It can be helpful to envision the future we want as a motivator, but we must be careful not to get lost in all or nothing thinking (thinking in absolutes, such as always, never, or every: “I never do a good enough job on anything” (2, footnote). Taking a flexible approach to the future can save you from excess difficulty down the road as the life journey likes to take many unforeseen twists and turns. When we take a more mentally flexible stance to the journey of life, we become more resilient in the face of the storm. What does mental flexibility mean? It's the continual act of being present, and open to whatever thoughts and feelings (good or bad) that may show up and living in proximity to our value system (3, footnote).
Be patient but not passive, you don’t need to know what you want, but try seeking out diverse experiences to get yourself closer to what gives life meaning. Remember there are a variety of spheres of life including: career, relationships, family, self, spirituality, health etc. Brainstorm what is important in each sphere and decide what is necessary to get there. Here is a helpful Wheel of Life to get you thinking.
Mute the comparison monster
The comparison monster is annoying yet so insistent and pervasive! We are flooded with information and images of individuals navigating the spectrums of life and some seem to be doing it more successfully than others. I emphasize “seem” here as we can never truly know what's existing under the surface, and our brain loves to stick to one (typically defeating) perspective. A helpful affirmation that attempts to stifle the comparison monster is that “no one knows what the heck is going on, and that we are all just really faking it until we make it.” If that’s not something that works for you, begin by challenging the reality of those icky comparison type thoughts, “is there really evidence for this? Is there maybe another perspective to this situation? What would I tell a friend if they were coming to me regarding the same challenge?” The comparison monster and imposter syndrome are unfortunately besties, so if you’re looking for some tips on managing imposter syndrome, view this article.
Learning to feel confident in your choices
A basic freedom we continually fight for is choice, yet why do choices feel so difficult to make? I think a big factor is because there are so many of them with varying outcomes. A good rule of thumb is that if an impending decision or choice creates a visceral reaction for example, a friend asks you to go out and you’ve had a busy week, and no down time. You then cringe at going, well… that's your body giving you some feedback on the choice to make. Yet, a secondary reaction then takes over–guilt or FOMO (fear of missing out) that attempts to deceive you with its enticing story “if I don’t go out with my friend, they will hate me for the rest of eternity.” But guess what? It's okay to say no, take time for yourself, and make the choice to not go. Trust me, your friend will likely not hate you for all of eternity, but if they do, they aren’t a friend worth having. Often people are concerned with what is the right or wrong choice. Ugh… can we get away from such binary thinking!? Instead try to view the mechanism behind the choice–is this decision going to uplift or detract from my current state and if so, will I be “ok” with that outcome. Remember not every choice is going to be a crowd pleaser, so stand firm in your why. People will appreciate you for it.
My final words of wisdom as a 20 something therapist
Your life is not dictated by who you were at 20 or 27, you can re-invent, change, and shift into the person you want to be. I still have no idea what 30 holds, but I think I’m okay with that. Life is not about being consistently happy but instead experiencing the spectrum of emotions in a meaningful and flexible way. Remember, it's normal to feel stressed, wake up in a bad mood, and cry at a sad movie. Lastly, take on the challenge it'll result in a greater reward.
“It takes courage to grow up and turn out to be who you really are” — e. e. Cummings
If you’re looking for support with managing transitions, our team is here to help! Meghan Ringler, LCSW is accepting clients for in-person appointments at our Lakeview office as well as telehealth appointments.
Footnotes:
https://brenebrown.com/resources/dare-to-lead-list-of-values/
https://www.therapistaid.com/therapy-worksheet/cognitive-distortions
https://www.balanced-awakening.com/blog/2021/6/19/uprooting-imposter-syndrome
