So, you want to talk about polyamory...
By Dr. Mary Madrake
For some people, discovering that they want to be in a polyamorous relationship is a realization gained through seeing this type of relationship in media or real life and suddenly recognizing that this is what they wanted but didn’t have the words to describe. For others, engaging in a polyamorous relationship is a slow period of self-discovery and gradual awareness that monogamy is not the only option for a relationship. However you arrived at the place where you are considering a polyamorous relationship, welcome!
But before we get started, it’s important to define what we mean by polyamory. For this article, we’re defining polyamory as being open to or engaging in multiple intimate relationships that are romantic and/or sexual in nature with the informed consent of all involved parties.
Here are a few tips and thoughts that might be helpful in your journey:
Reflect on what drew you to polyamory.
For example, maybe you are already in a relationship and have developed a connection with another person and would like to consensually pursue both relationships. Or maybe you’ve met someone you would like to date and they are already engaging in polyamory. Before jumping into a polyamorous relationship, carefully consider with the guidance of couples therapy, what about this relationship style feels like a good fit for you and may relate to your values. It can also be helpful to think through any areas that might be more difficult to manage so you can prepare ahead of time.
Speaking of difficult, let’s talk about jealousy.
A common misconception is that to be polyamorous you can never experience jealousy or have to be a naturally non-jealous person. No one is immune to jealousy. It is a natural emotion meant to tell us something about what is happening in our lives. The key is to acknowledge the jealousy and work to understand what lies beneath the jealousy you are experiencing – is it fear that you might be left behind or seen as less important, or a worry that you can’t fulfill your partner(s) needs? We can lessen the power of our jealousy by sharing our fears with those close to us and working to find solutions that are specific and fair to everyone.
Communication
Communication is the most important and most difficult piece of any relationship and polyamorous relationships are no exception. Being continually honest about your wants and needs, boundaries, and worries with your partner(s) is the foundation of successful polyamorous relationships (and monogamous relationships, too). If you are currently single and considering a polyamorous relationship, setting aside time to reflect on your interactions with others, needs that are being met, and needs that are not being met at that time can be a useful practice. If you are in a relationship(s), regularly setting aside time with your partner(s) to discuss concerns as well as strengths of the relationship can be an important step in maintaining healthy relationships.
Learn to unlearn.
Monogamy is the norm in the United States (and many other countries) so institutions and social norms are focused on monogamous relationships. You might find when entering the world of polyamory that many of the implicit and socially constructed rules of relationships do not fit as well, if at all. For example, receiving an invitation to a wedding or special occasion event for yourself and a plus-one and how to navigate that when you’re in a relationship that includes more than one person. Unlearning patterns of monogamy takes time and effort, so don’t get discouraged if it feels like you’re going in circles at times. One of the cool aspects of polyamory is that you and your partners can create the relationships that work for you and discard ideas and roles that aren’t a good fit.
Finally, do your research!
If you walk into your local bookstore you will likely find at least a shelf or two dedicated to relationships – how to find one, how to maintain one, and what to do if the relationship ends. Unfortunately, most, if not all, of these books are focused solely on monogamous relationships, which can leave polyamorous folks confused about how to find a non-monogamous relationship, maintain it, and move forward if it ends. But just like you wouldn’t decide to start a DIY project without watching some YouTube videos on staining your dresser, jumping into an entirely new style of relationship without preparation is likely to lead to some “oops” moments. Here are a few resources I recommend:
The Smart Girl's Guide to Polyamory: Everything You Need to Know About Open Relationships, Non-Monogamy, and Alternative Love by Dedeker Winston
Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy by Jessica Fern
Wishing you happy and healthy relationships, in whatever form works best for you and your partner(s)!
